Making Church Masculine

Church attendance is hurting among all demographics, with losses especially pronounced among males. That's inspired a British charity to look for creative ways to attract more men to church:

Real men don't like going to church because they don't want to "sing love songs to a man", because the "vicar wears a dress", because they feel like "mongrels on parade at Crufts" and because they want to be waited on by women rather than queue for coffee after the service.

A number of distinctly non-pc ways to get men back into church are among those being advocated by a charity, Christian Vision for Men, which has discovered that the Church has lost nearly half of its men aged under 30 because it has become too feminine.

Many of the suggestions are to subtract feminine touches for badass shit, likes weapons and fire:

Instead of the usual flowers and statues of the Virgin Mary, they suggest, "How would it go down to decorate with swords, or pictures of knights, or flaming torches?"
The charity continues: "Maybe it's not 'politically correct', but men quite like the attention of women! They also like to be waited on - so long as they are not made to feel guilty. Instead of having to queue for coffee, why not ask some of the women to go round with trays of coffee and biscuits or chocky bars? Coupled with a charming smile, many men would find that very attractive!"

While they're at it, why not dress them like the Hooters girls? Sure, it's offensive, but it's bound to be more effective than pictures of "flaming torches" (who came up with that gem?).

Only one idea sounded like it would work at all:

Among the changes recommended by Christian Vision for Men, a member of the Evangelical Alliance, is to use the World Cup to boost falling congregations. The charity wants vicars to erect big screens above the pulpit during this summer’s World Cup in South Africa and even serve beer during games.

It's interesting that these ideas have little or nothing to do with religion.

"Avatar" Accused Of Being Anti-Religious

Some people are accusing Avatar of being anti-religious (it advocates the worship of nature over religion, or so says a Vatican newspaper). Do these critics make a valid point?



Pretending for the moment that Avatar is anti-religious, and I don't think it is, that would mean that audiences don't care much about religion based on the record-setting ticket sales.

Evangelical Run EHarmony Becomes Gay-Friendly

The popular dating site EHarmony, which was founded by an evangelical, naturally caters to a more conservative and religious crowd--and I contend that they have the not-so-secret goal of marrying off as many Christians as possible so that they can get to procreating and making more Christians. In line with their evangelical philosophy, EHarmony did not originally have a section for gays.

Knowing their missioni, I imagine if I were gay I would want nothing to do with EHarmony. Strangely, though, a number of gay folks wanted in. They sued, and actually won a decent amount of money:

The online dating site EHarmony.com has reached a settlement in a class-action lawsuit brought by gays and lesbians who said the service discriminated against them. As part of the proposed agreement, the company will pay more than half a million dollars and make its website more "welcoming" to seekers of same-sex matches, according to court documents filed Tuesday.

The Pasadena-based company had already launched a service last year for gays and lesbians, called Compatible Partners, as part of an unrelated settlement with the New Jersey attorney general's civil rights division. As a result of the settlement agreement, filed in Los Angeles County Superior Court and pending approval by a judge, EHarmony will now add a "gay and lesbian dating" category to its main website that will direct users to Compatible Partners. Bisexual users will also be able to access both websites for one fee.

The attorneys for the plaintiffs "estimate that between 100 and 130 Californians will be covered by the settlement," and "will receive as much as $4,000 per person." Not bad.

Now, I don't like EHarmony one bit. But they're a private company, and I don't see why they should be forced to cater to gays and lesbians. What's more, I don't get why gays would want to take part in a presumably homophobic dating site, even when there are plenty of competing services that would be happy to have them. More than anything, I'm jealous that I didn't get in on the lawsuit. Maybe I can sue Compatible Partners for not letting in straight people.

Fun With Google Search Suggestions

If you've used Google, you've probably noticed how they give you search suggestions, based on common searches phrases, as you type in your keywords (example: type in "Ted Haggard," and one of the suggestions is "Ted Haggard is completely heterosexual"). However, Google has been caught censoring their suggestions at least once, as they did with the phrase "Islam is." But now they've reversed that policy, and we see what they were afraid of sharing with the world:

Take that, Osama! Though what's up with "islam is google"?

For fun, I tried "atheism is," and got this list:

Ouch, that's not very complimentary. Yet based on these suggestions, it looks like atheism is slightly less hated than Islam, and that's something to be proud of.

I also suggest trying out "Christianity is" for some fun. There are hours of entertainment to be had here.

Why Bristol Is Likely To Fail

Bristol Palin, Tripp's baby mama, has pledged to be abstinent until she is married. This is a fine, worthwhile goal for any teen parent. However, the statistics show she is in for a challenge:

If the statistics are anything to go on, Bristol is unlikely to meet her goal of remaining celibate. According to Mark Regnerus, the author of the forthcoming Premarital Sex in America, among women who made virginity pledges and are now married, only 13. 9 percent waited until their wedding night to have sex. There aren’t good data on women who make virginity pledges after they are sexually active—who try to become “secondary virgins,” as researchers put it. What we do know is that some young women—often born-again Christians, like Bristol—believe that repledging virginity can erase their sexual histories. These teens “typically reconcile their memories with their present beliefs,” according to a study called Reborn a Virgin: Adolescents’ Retracting of Virginity Pledges and Sexual Histories, published in the American Journal of Public Health in 2006. This mind set would mean that Bristol could think of herself as pure again, despite her sexual relationship with Levi.

I understand her motivation, but when you've already had a baby, you sort of have a constant reminder that you aren't a virgin anymore.

A Single Word + Boars = Trouble

Relations between Malaysian Christians and Muslims, which were already dicey, are in danger of violently erupting after severed boars heads were found in two mosques. This act is deeply insulting not just to vegetarians, but to Muslims as well:

Muslims consider pigs unclean, and leaving boar heads at a mosque is a potentially inflammatory insult, mirroring an incident last year when Muslim activists flung a severed cow head on a proposed site for a Hindu temple near Kuala Lumpur.

This rift started due to a argument over whether Christians could use the word "Allah." Because of this semantic disagreement, in this month alone there have been attacks on 11 churches, two Muslim prayer rooms, and for good measure, a Sikh temple.

The most frustrating part is how pointless this all is. There are so many real problems in the world, but what drives people to violence are a few pig heads and a single word.

Naked & Self-Flagellated: A Day In The Life Of Pope John Paul II

My depiction of the previous Pope has radically changed with this revelation:

Pope John Paul II used to beat himself with a belt and sleep naked on the floor to bring himself closer to Christ, a book published Wednesday says.

The late pope had a particular belt for self-flagellation and brought it with him to his summer residence, according to the book, "Why he is a Saint: The True story of John Paul II."

"As some members of his own entourage were able to hear with their own ears, both in Poland and in the Vatican, Karol Wojtyla flagellated himself," the book says, using the name the pope was given at birth.

"In the closet, among the cloaks, a particular pant-belt hung from a hook, which he utilized as a whip and one which he always had brought to Castel Gandolfo," the book says.

If this brought the Pope closer to Christ, then wouldn't The Gimp from Pulp Fiction be a saint?

"Who's This Chap Jesus?"

I've always figured that there would be more non-believers out there if kids weren't forcibly indoctrinated into religion at the youngest of ages. Proof of this theory can be found in a story from Good-bye to All That, the 1929 autobiography of Robert Graves. From pages 16-17:

. . . One married couple that I know, belonging to the same generation, decided that the best way in the end to ensure a proper religious attitude in their children, was not to teach them any religion at all until they were able to understand it in some degree of fulness. The children were sent to schools where no religious training was given. At the age of thirteen the eldest boy came indignantly to his father and said: "Look here, father, I think you've treated me very badly. The other chaps laugh at me because I don't know anything about God. And who's this chap Jesus? When I ask them they won't tell me, they think I am joking." So the long-hoped-for moment had arrived. The father told the boy to call his sister, who was a year younger than him, because he had something very important to tell them both. Then very reverently and carefully he told them the Gospel story. He had always planned to tell it to them in this way. The children did not interrupt him. When finally he had finished there was a silence. Then the girl said, rather embarrassed: "Really father, I think that is the silliest story I've heard since I was a kid." The boy said: "Poor chap. But what about it, anyhow?"

(Thanks to Johnathan Z for the link.)

The Scatological Argument For Outlawing Homosexuality

Martin Ssempa is a Ugandan minister and a vocal opponent of homosexuality, along with being a supporter of his country's archaic Anti-Homosexuality Bill, which proposes life in prison for committing even "the intention to commit homosexuality."

Before you condemn Ssempa, realize that he knows more about the gay-lifestyle than the average person, because he has done his homework on the subject. At a January 15th press conference, he articulated some of his opinions to journalists, explaining "I've taken the time to research what homosexuals do in the privacy of their bedroom. It is inhuman, it is animalistic, and it cannot be right. I want to show you these pictures." (WARNING: This next part is very gross and disturbing):

A pornographic slideshow of black and white photographs of men engaging in scatological fetishism is revealed. "I want to show you from their website", he proclaims, a devious smile forming. "I've taken the time to research what homosexuals do in the privacy of their bedroom. It is inhuman, it is animalistic, and it cannot be right. I want to show you these pictures." The audience lurches forward, leering at the pictures and groaning in disgust. Ssempa, enthusiastically goes on:

I want to say homosexuals eat each other's poop. Homosexuals stick their hands into their rectum. Homosexuals stick all sorts of deviant sexual things into their rectum. I want to show you this is from their website. So the first picture that I want to show you, you can see this man has just eaten the other person's poo poo and is rubbing it on his mouth, and I'm going to ask that we print for each of you a photocopy of this story so you get it fully.

Then, of course, they are grabbing each other's gentials, that is level number one, touching each other, grabbing each other. Then number three, now they are licking eachother's anus and are licking poop. And they call poo poo, chocolate. You see it is a change of words. I want you to see, Sheikh please forgive me but I want these people to see, they say a picture is worth one thousand words. This is a man eating the other person's poo poo, can you see that one? Please from BBC, I want you to tell them, we know what they do.

. . .

He concludes, "After they have eaten poo poo, then he puts his hand inside the other man's rectum. You can see it. That is called fisting. FISTING! Practiced by 65% of all homosexuals. It is deviant! As if that is not enough, he puts it all the way," he pauses for effect and then excitedly grunts, "iiiiiin!" The audience erupts in laughter.

Pardon the pun, but holy-shit, this guy is crazy! How many hours of research do you think he's done, by the way? And instead of being acted disgusted by it all, Ssempa seems like he's having fun, and his demeanor sounds almost playful. I'm not even going to ask how he knows 65% of homosexuals practice fisting.

Ssempa doesn't realize it, but he's not helping other Christians who disapprove of homosexuality. I agree with Ariel Rubin:

There is something distinctly un-Christian about Ssempa's lengthy tirade, whether it is the pronounced lack of compassion or the clever way he manipulates the argument. No he isn't victimizing, he is standing up for the real victims here: the minors and handicapped insidiously recruited by homosexuals. He criticizes rights groups for their betrayal of the "boy child" who is being molested and raped by men in Uganda without adequate protection. He accuses those who've accused him and his bill of fascistic and undemocratic aims as being "non-ideological" and "undemocratic" themselves, seeking to quash any discourse and stifle the debate.

It's scary to think this wacko has followers; he should be relegated to street corner rants.

Panel Recommends France Ban Burqas

France has long considered banning burqas, and they are closer than ever to actually doing it:

France's National Assembly should pass a resolution denouncing full Muslim face veils and then vote the strictest law possible to ban women from wearing them, a parliamentary commission proposed on Tuesday.

Presenting conclusions after six months of hearings, the panel also suggested barring foreign women from obtaining French visas or citizenship if they insisted on veiling their faces.

But it could not agree whether to opt for an absolute ban on the veils, known here as burqas or niqabs, or one restricted to public buildings because some members thought a total ban would be unconstitutional.

The full veil represents in an extraordinary way everything that France spontaneously rejects," National Assembly President Bernard Accoyer said as the commission delivered its report.

"It's a symbol of the subjugation of women and the banner of extremist fundamentalism."

While there around 5 million French Muslims, only about 2,000 actually wear the full veils.

I'm still torn on this issue. A full ban, which would make them illegal even in private areas, is legislation more in line with a totalitarian country. And while part of me would like to see them banned in public, I think my love of freedom of expression trumps my distaste for extremist, anti-feminist traditions.

If France does indeed ban burqas, it will get ugly over there. Though as a selfish American, I welcome another country drawing the attention of Islamic terrorists.

That still leaves the question of what France should do unanswered. No matter what they do, they will have problems of their hands. My idea, unfulfilling as it may be, is to do nothing. The only way to peacefully resolve the burqa problem is for Muslims themselves to decide they don't like them. I honestly don't know if this will ever happen, but if the numbers are accurate and only 2,000 wear them, then it's not all that widespread. Hopefully each generation will become further integrated into French culture, and the practice will die out on its own accord.

Giving Up Baseball For The Priesthood

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: religion makes people to some crazy shit. Take the case of Grant Desme, a minor league baseball prospect for the Oakland A's, who is giving up the game to become a Catholic priest:

Desme is leaving the game at a time when his fortunes seemed to be rising fast. He batted .288 with 31 home runs and 89 RBIs in 131 games last year. Then he starred in the Arizona Fall League, where some of the game’s top prospects compete. He likely would have started this season at Class AA.

He still likes baseball, but God is his passion:

“I’m doing well in baseball,” Desme told reporters on Friday, according to the San Francisco Chronicle. “But I had to get down to the bottom of things, to what was good in my life, what I wanted to do with my life. Baseball is a good thing, but that felt selfish of me when I felt that God was calling me more. ... I love the game, but I’m going to aspire to higher things.”

So why should I care if some guy quits pursuing a career in Major League Baseball to be a priest? Well, the short answer is I don't care, however, I'm slightly bothered by how nonsensical it all is.

Desme presumably wants to help people. Helping people usually costs money. So why not play baseball for a few years, which can pay very lucrative, and then give part of that fortune to Haitian orphans?

It's true that he might not have made it in the big leagues, but I would imagine that Desme, in his infinite faith, believes God would allow him succeed in anything he tries to do. However, he'd rather join an organization that demands celibacy (though is marred by a reputation of pedophilia) and necessitates all sorts of magical thinking (like eating the body and blood of Christ on a weekly basis). Therefore, if what Desme is doing isn't crazy, then I don't know what is.

A Terrorist Comedy

One of the best ways to beat terrorists, aside from killing them, is to laugh at them. That why I like the idea behind the upcoming film Four Lions, a comedy about English terrorists. Here's a teaser clip:

U.S. Military Switching To Secular Rifles

(Note: This is a repost from Friendly Atheist)

Sanity has triumphed in the U.S. military, as they have pressured the company behind "Jesus Rifles" to only make normal rifle scopes from now on:

Bowing to Pentagon concerns and an international outcry, a Michigan arms company said Thursday that it would immediately stop embossing references to New Testament Scriptures on rifle sights it sells the military.

The company, Trijicon Inc., has multimillion-dollar contracts with the Pentagon for advanced telescopic sights that are widely used in Iraq and Afghanistan. Trijicon also said it would provide the Pentagon with 100 free kits to use for removing the lettering on existing weapons.

For years, the company acknowledged, it has put small scriptural references near the model numbers on some products, a practice started by its founder, who was a Christian.

The references, like JN8:12 and 2COR4:6, referring to passages in the Gospel of John and in Second Corinthians, had not been widely noticed or debated until an ABC News report this week. Scopes with biblical references were also sold to the Australian, New Zealand and British militaries.

Obviously, it's not smart for the U.S. military to shoot at Islamic militants with Christian-themed guns. Unless, that is, their goal is to start a new Crusade or give extremists some extra motivation for their next suicide bombing.

This controversy had been growing throughout the week, and Trijicon was widely condemned from both sides of the political spectrum (though notably, Stephen Colbert came to their defense).

The military claimed they were unaware of the coded Bible passages until very recently. While this is possible, no one should be surprised by the revelation, since the company never disguised their Christian roots. Indeed, one of Trijicon's values statements is:

We believe that America is great when its people are good. This goodness has been based on biblical standards throughout our history and we will strive to follow those morals.

Considering how religious the company is, they can't be happy about having to eliminate their beloved tradition of inserting secret Bible references. But I suppose with a $660 million contract with the Marines on the line, they have some incentive to sacrifice.

Although I'd prefer the military to find a different company for this contract, I'm just happy to see some progress. It's comforting to know that the next time a soldier takes a shot at a Muslim extremist, it will be from a secular rifle.

Pray For Trig Day Planned

I just learned about a bizarre new website (via Friendly Atheist) called Pray 4 Healing, (nee Pray 4 Trig). Their goal is to recruit as many people as possible so that they can simultaneously pray on April 18th for Sarah Palin's youngest, Trig, to be cured of Down Syndrome.

I have no idea if the site is one big joke or if it's actually real. But judging from some of the comments from the people who have joined the "Prayer Team," not everyone is taking it seriously. For instance, this doesn't sound too sincere: “My wives, my kids and I are all pulling for you little guy. God will yank those retarded demons from your soul!” Then there is this one: "Oh, lordy, lordy, please deign to cure this little one of his tard, and remove his tard that he may not be all, 'ree, ree, ree'. Amen."

To be a smart ass, I signed the petition too, though I didn't feel like leaving a comment.

You can learn more on their FAQ, like how curing Trig would end atheism:

Q: What would be a good choice for a worldwide prayer?

A: The single prayer should focus upon accomplishing something which people consider impossible. Curing the disease in a single, identifiable person which medical science cannot cure, for example.

When that person is found to be miraculously healed, everyone but the most hardened atheist will have to acknowledge God’s Majesty!

They run a blog too. The most recent post, Miracle Poll, is worth checking out.

Another Take On "Jesus Rifles"

Stephen Colbert defends "Jesus rifles" and unveils a new product:

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Onward Christian Soldiers
http://www.colbertnation.com/
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor Economy

A Refreshing Change: Purity Balls That Aren't Funded By The Government

As someone who grudgingly prefers Democrats to the Republicans--mostly due to the fact that the GOP is the party of paranoid Jesus freaks--I'm disappointed that the Dems still haven't met my most mild of expectations. Honestly, how weak is it when they lose Ted Kennedy's seat to a guy who posed naked in Cosmo?

However, while the Democrats are in the process of failing in their high profile goal of health care reform, there have been some "changes" away from the Biblically-inspired policies of Bush; they've just been under the radar. For instance, abstinence-only sex education is getting cut off.

The void in federal funds has forced abstinence-only advocates to fund their projects privately, mostly with church money. They actually see some advantages to getting cut off, since they don't have to answer to the government. This leaves them free to run all the purity balls they want, and they sound like a lot of fun:

A dance instructor at the purity ball showed "how a woman should be touched, how a man should be touched" without being sexual, Polite said.

"It doesn't have to be any of the dirty bumping and grinding," said James Brothers, an instructor at Dance World of Nashville. "It's just a great way to express yourself and really enjoy it, while still being classy at the same time."

Mathew Staver, founder of Liberty Counsel, which for the past five years has promoted a national Day of Purity for teenagers, said depending on private money could actually benefit the abstinence message.

"I think people are able to participate and understand the importance, and then you don't have the government purse strings attached where it's on today and off tomorrow," Staver said. "People ... will take ownership of it."

Fine, let them have their abstinence vows (which will cause teen pregnancy) and their purity balls (which will cause repressed memories that will only come out many years later in therapy). Just keep the government out of it.

Mufti Says No To Koran Ringtones

Those who love the Koran so much that they even use it for their ringtones are actually offending God, or so says a mufti:

Using Koranic verses and the call to prayer as mobile phone ringtones is inappropriate and violates the sanctity of the word of God, Egypt's highest religious legal authority, Mufti Ali Gomaa, said on Wednesday.

Verses from the Koran have become popular as ringtones in Egypt, and websites and television channels advertise them for downloading.

"Putting the Holy Koran or the call to prayer as a mobile phone ringtone trivializes the sanctity of the verses, which are for prayer, invocation and recitation and not to be taken out of their legitimate use," state news agency MENA quoted Gomaa as saying.

When answering a cellphone, the user interrupts the holy words of God, which could confuse their meaning and misdirect the listener, Gomaa said.

Muslims can use religious songs suitable to the length of the ringtone, but the sanctity of the Koran should be respected, he added.

But what about using the Koran for voicemail messages?

They Let This Guy Out?

The man who tried to assassinate Pope John Paul II in 1981, Mehmet Ali Agca (alias “Christ eternal"), has been let out of jail. He's still as crazy as ever:

Mr. Agca is reported to be considering an array of lucrative offers to tell his story. But there have long been questions about his mental condition. A statement he distributed outside the prison at Sincan on the outskirts of Ankara on Monday said: “I proclaim the end of the world. All the world will be destroyed in this century. Every human being will die in this century.”

He said: “I am the Christ eternal. The Gospel is full of mistakes. I will write the perfect gospel.”

I get the feeling he'll be institutionalized again very soon.

Jesus Christ's Favorite Rifle Accessory

Once again, there are signs that the United States military has some Christian influences. It's been discovered that coded Bible passages are on rifle sights made by a Michigan based company called Trijicon, and they have "a $660 million multi-year contract to provide up to 800,000 sights to the Marine Corps." Crusaders would be proud of them:

One of the citations on the gun sights, 2COR4:6, is an apparent reference to Second Corinthians 4:6 of the New Testament, which reads: "For God, who commanded the light to shine out of darkness, hath shined in our hearts, to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ."

Other references include citations from the books of Revelation, Matthew and John dealing with Jesus as "the light of the world." John 8:12, referred to on the gun sights as JN8:12, reads, "Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life."

Trijicon confirmed to ABCNews.com that it adds the biblical codes to the sights sold to the U.S. military. Tom Munson, director of sales and marketing for Trijicon, which is based in Wixom, Michigan, said the inscriptions "have always been there" and said there was nothing wrong or illegal with adding them. Munson said the issue was being raised by a group that is "not Christian." The company has said the practice began under its founder, Glyn Bindon, a devout Christian from South Africa who was killed in a 2003 plane crash.

My Trijicon slogan: "When you need to kill a Muslim, trust Trijicon, and you're trusting Jesus." It needs some fine tuning, but it's something to work with.

The 2009 Invisible Pink Unicorn Awards

My exclusive, hand picked three-person panel has conferred over beers, and the winners of the 2009 Invisible Pink Unicorn Awards (for outstanding achievement in atheism) have been selected! As is the custom, the awards will be announced in order of importance, starting with the relatively minor. To learn how all the nominees earned their nods, check the nominees post.

To start things off we have the Most Embarrassing Religion of the Year Award. The nominees, in alphabetical order, are:

-Catholicism
-Hinduism
-Islam
-Scientology

Last year's winner, Mormonism, wasn't even nominated this year, much to Mitt Romney's chagrin. That leaves the door open for Catholicism, which wins in a landslide. The Pope is unavailable to accept the award personally, fearing a crazy lady will knock him down. Bill Donohue is also too busy, since he's watching TV while making lists of things that he thinks should offend him. That leaves Richard Williamson to accept the award, who thanks God and Holocaust deniers everywhere for this Horny award.

Next up is a special award for Most Disgusting Religious Product of the Year. Without a doubt, it's a Hindu-inspired Cow Urine Soda called "gau jal", or "cow water." Remember, cows are sacred under Hinduism, so why not feast on their urine? This isn't the real can, but it's how I imagine it looks:Alright, going back to the regularly scheduled program, we have the Gratuitous Thanking of God Award, a prize no one should want. The finalists include one United States President, two athletes, and one manufactured teen celebrity:

-Antonio Gates
-Barack Obama
-Miley Cyrus
-Tim Tebow

The voting was close. I thought Obama, who feels compelled to say "God bless" after every speech, would have been a worthy winner, but instead Florida Gator quarterback Tim Tebow takes it. Just so no one mistakes him for a non-Christian, he played his games with "John 3:16" written on his face. And if he struggles as an NFL quarterback, Tebow can always become a missionary.

We proceed with the highly contentious Fictional Atheist of the Year Award, and once again, the nominees all come from TV:

-Brian Griffin (from Family Guy)
-Gregory House (from House)
-Perry Cox (from Scrubs)
-Sideshow Mel (from The Simpsons)

Can Gregory House win two years in a row? Or will dark horse candidate Sideshow Mel shock the world? The answers are, respectively, "no" and "no." Instead, it's the animated dog Brian Griffin who takes the Horny. Sure, he's hardly perfect, with his love of drinking dry martinis and smoking the ganja. However, he makes up for his flaws by being the most outspoken fictional character to accurately and legitimately criticize religion. Accepting the award is Family Guy creator and voice of Brian, Seth MacFarlane, who has had a bumper year in attacking religion through his cartoons--you know you've done well when you've drawn the ire of Bill Donohue time and time again.

Continuing, we come to the Movie of the Year Award. There's nothing near the caliber of last year's winner, Religulous, but there are still many worthy contenders that either take a critical look at religion, or, in the case of Transformers, is so bad that it all but proves there could be no God. And the nominees are:

-Brüno
-Collision
-Creation
-A Serious Man
-Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

And the Horny goes too . . . Collision! Collision isn't a high-profile film, but it was a bigger credit to atheism than any other movie this year. Thank Christopher Hitchens for this, who co-starred with pastor Douglas Wilson. The whole movie, in fact, was basically the two of them debating. While accepting the award, Wilson obviously thanks God, and Hitchens, never one to suffer from low self-esteem, thanks himself.

Now it's time for another special award, this one for the Most God-Awful Logo. This special honor goes to the logo of the Catholic Church's Archdiocesan Youth Commission:This was designed in 1973, and though apt, it's no longer used. And contrary to popular belief, NAMBLA never used it.

The shame continues with the next award, the fan-favorite Straw Man Award. Victoria Jackson was a deserving winner last year--as I said before, she is "the only former Saturday Night Live star to parlay her comedy career into being an infective spokesperson for neo-McCarthyism and Biblical literalism"--though she has kept a low enough profile this year to avoid a repeat victory. Still, there are more than enough deserving nominees this year:

-Andy Schlafly
-Carrie Prejean
-Glenn Beck
-Mark Sanford
-Michele Bachmann
-Oral Roberts
-Ray Comfort
-Richard Williamson

Put them all together, and you have one heaping mound of bat-shit crazy. It's too bad all of them can't win, but alas, only one of them can reign as queen of the mound, and that's Carrie Prejean. The former Miss California USA thought she had struck gold when she became "Miss Opposite Marriage." Without a doubt, she thought she could become a star conservative-Christian pundit. You know the type--an attractive blond who hates gays and loves Jesus, or in other words, an ideal Fox News personality--but it turned out she had too much baggage. First racy photos surfaced, then solo-sex tapes. Also, it didn't help that she epitomized the ditsy blond stereotype. Accepting the award is Perez Hilton, who started this whole mess by asking Prejean about gay-marriage. But the crowd is smart, and boos him offstage before he can speak.

Now it's time for the George Carlin Lifetime Achievement Award, a prestigious honor given posthumously and named after the inaugural recipient. This year, I would like to honor Carl Sagan, the great scientist, author, TV host, and self-professed agnostic. Unfortunately for me, I was too young to know anything about Sagan during his life. Sadly, he died in 1996, being only 62 years-old.

The first time I learned anything about Sagan--and I'm not going to count the movie Contact, which was based on Sagan's book of the same name--was when I saw his miniseries Cosmos. This was a time when I rarely watched educational shows, but after watching Cosmos for a few minutes, I was very impressed by how interesting and thought-provoking it was. Additionally, it didn't dumb down the subject matter, and even treated evolution as a non-controversial fact. And although it was made in 1980, it stands the test of time quite well, and is still recommended viewing some 30 years later. (As I write this, Cosmos is available on YouTube. Do a search.)

Sagan accomplished many other feats in his lifetime. Some of his achievements were promoting scientific inquiry, advocating the SETI project, and speaking out about social concerns, such as being a notable opponent of nuclear weapons. I dare to say he was the most famous scientist since Albert Einstein.

As one of my few role models when I was high school-aged, it's my pleasure giving Carl Sagan this award.

But the awards aren't over yet. We conclude with the Skeptic of the Year Award. Last year's winner was Bill Maher, who was fresh off making Religulous, though there will be a new winner this year:

-Christopher Hitchens
-Dan Savage
-Jesusophile
-Pat Condell
-Richard Dawkins
-Roger Ebert
-Seth McFarlane

All are worthy candidates. Hitchens made Collission and wrote many articles, Savage added "Saddlebacking" to the lexicon, Jesusophile made hilarious satirical YouTube videos, as did Condell, Dawkins wrote The Greatest Show on Earth, Ebert blogged about his skepticism, and McFarlane added a scatological twist to atheism. Ultimately, no one did more for non-believers that Richard Dawkins. Dawkins may have retired from his job as a professor, but he's been busy writing his book on evolution, raising funds for atheist buses, and making many speaking appearances. He is likely the most prominent atheist of this era, and that's why Richard Dawkins is skeptic of the year.

Thanks everyone, that does it for this year's Invisible Pink Unicorn Awards. Here's the recap:

Most Disgusting Religious Product of the Year - Cow Urine Soda

Most God-Awful Logo - Catholic Church's Archdiocesan Youth Commission

Most Embarrassing Religion of the Year Award - Catholicism

Gratuitous Thanking of God Award - Tim Tebow

Fictional Atheist of the Year Award - Brian Griffin

Movie of the Year Award - Collision

Straw Man Award - Carrie Prejean

Skeptic of the Year Award - Richard Dawkins

Lifetime Achievement Award - Carl Sagan

God Loves Earthquakes

Nothing brings out the irrationality of religion quite like a natural disaster. Take the earthquake in Haiti: Pat Robertson says the country was being punished because they had made a "pact to the devil" way back when the French ruled. But that's the kind of garbage you expect to hear from the Pat Robertsons of the world. What I find frustrating is how the earthquake has reinforced the faith of some Haitians:

Drumbeats called the faithful to a Sunday Mass praising God amid a scene resembling the Apocalypse — a collapsed cathedral in a city cloaked with the smell of death, where aid is slow to reach survivors and rescue crews battle to pry an ever-smaller number of the living from the ruins.

Sunlight streamed through what little was left of blown-out stained windows as the Rev. Eric Toussaint preached to a small crowd of survivors. A rotting body lay in its main entrance.

"Why give thanks to God? Because we are here," Toussaint said. "We say 'Thank you God.' What happened is the will of God. We are in the hands of God now."

. . .

At the cathedral, the Rev. Toussaint described his own near-miraculous survival.

"I watched the destruction of the cathedral from this window," he said, pointing to a window in what remains of the archdiocese office. "I am not dead because God has a plan for me."

"What happens is a sign from God, saying that we must recognize his power - we need to reinvent ourselves,"

If God had a plan for the Rev. Toussaint, what about the tens of thousands who died? God thought they needed to die, then? And that goes for the children too? If you insist in believing that God finds it necessary to devastate a country with natural disasters, then the least you can do is believe that God is also cruel and petty.

Churches And Their Handicapped Problem

Good luck to any handicapped people who want to attend church:

Among the most humbling moments being confined to an electric wheelchair came when Shawana Bulloch realized it could prevent her from attending services at her Savannah church.

"The one place you should be able to go is in the church without assistance, you should be able to walk in — or roll in," said Bulloch, who recently convinced her Full Gospel congregation to get a portable ramp.

The disabled faithful say such experiences remain common in houses of worship, stoked by ignorance of their needs and doctrines that paint disability as proof of sin.

Years after federal law required accommodations for the disabled, separation of church and state means houses of worship remain largely beyond the law's reach. State laws and denominational measures meant to take up the slack are tricky to enforce and face resistance from churches who call them both costly and impractical.

It's hard to believe that some churches still believe that the only problem handicapped people have is a lack of faith:

For some, there are still spiritual barriers more ingrained than the physical ones.

They include a history of labeling disability as a deviation to be corrected, typically through things like faith healing or even exorcism.

Modern prosperity gospel has only deepened the divide, said Kathy McReynolds, director of public policy at the Christian Institute on Disability in southern California. That doctrine says good things come to true Christians.

Conversely, "Because of your own personal sin, you have this disability and if you had faith, you would be healed," McReynolds said.

Even after decades of blindness, Augusta churchgoer Willie Lee Jones said he still fields comments suggesting his sight could come back if he believed harder.

"People of faith will come to me and say, 'God wants to heal you,'" said Jones, who replies that he's complete even without his sight.

What dumbasses.

McGwire: Home Runs Were From "The Man Upstairs," Not Steroids

Mark McGwire's confession about using steroids will go down as one of the least necessary "confessions" of all time--I think everyone figured it out when his biceps suddenly grew larger than the average person's torso--and it will also be remembered as a perfect example of how to prove one is an egotistical douche nozzle. In his interview with Bob Costas on Monday night, McGwire is unapologetic and makes the ludicrous claim that he took steroids only for health reasons, and that they did not help him hit any home runs.

It gets worse. Watch him thank God, and not steroids, for his home run record (right after 2:10):



The saddest thing is that McGwire seems to believe his own bullshit: God singled him out for his awesome slugging ability, and the power of God is stronger than any testicle-shrinking steroid.

Who Wants Astroglide With Their Communion Wafers?

If you've ever bought anything off of Amazon, you may have noticed that they have a "Customers Who Bought This Item Also Bought" section. As it so happens, the good people at Buzzfeed noticed that the folks who are buying communion wafers are also frequently buying a certain personal lubricant:

My guess is that it gets used in the rectory.

Jesus & Mary Get Fruity

Yet again, Jesus has been spotted in a food item. This time he's in an orange, and as a special bonus, the Virgin Mary appears with him.

Whenever I hear about these edible "miracles," it's always Christianity related. Is this because Christians are more gullible, or is it because we simply don't hear about what people of other religions are finding in their dinner? I don't know, but just once, I'd like to hear about Muhammad being spotted in a falafel or Ganesha popping up in some naan.

Why There Is No Media Bias Against Christianity

Daniel Dennett addresses the myth that the mainstream media has a vendetta against Christianity. He starts by saying that:

There is no media bias against Christianity. If it appears to some people that there is, it is probably because after decades of hyper-diplomacy and a generally accepted mutual understanding that religion was not to be criticized, we have finally begun breaking through that taboo and are beginning to see candid discussions of the varieties of religious folly in American life. Activities that would be condemned by all if they were not cloaked in the protective mantle of religion are beginning to be subjected to proper scrutiny.

I fully agree. The only problem I can see with his article is that his picture makes him look like (a secular) Santa Claus. Check the link if you don't believe me.

Guess What Vice Presidential Candidate Though They Were Part Of God's Plan

Hint: it wasn't the winner.

Sarah Palin believed that Sen. John McCain chose her to be his running mate in 2008 because of "God's plan," according to a top political strategist in the Arizona Republican's campaign.

In an interview with the CBS news magazine "60 Minutes," Steve Schmidt described Palin as "very calm — nonplussed" after McCain met with her at his Arizona ranch just before putting her on the Republican ticket. McCain had planned to name Sen. Joe Lieberman, I-Conn., as his vice presidential choice until word leaked, sparking what Schmidt called political blowback over picking the 2000 Democratic vice presidential nominee.

Schmidt said he asked Palin about her serenity in the face of becoming "one of the most famous people in the world." He quoted her as saying, "It's God's plan."

Well, if God plans who wins, I suppose He plans who loses too.

Typical Alabama Politics

If you're running for Governor of Alabama, you better make it clear that you think everything in the Bible, no matter how ridiculous, is literally true. Candidate Bradley Byrne has learned this lesson the hard way after reportedly saying "I believe there are parts of the Bible that are meant to be literally true and parts that are not." In the Deep South, a politician expressing that much skepticism is a scandal almost on par with being caught with a transsexual hooker:

That quote has followed him, including to his appearance at a Piggly Wiggly grocery store in New Hope, where Byrne came to announce his first big endorsement this year, from the Alabama Retail Association.

When notice of the press conference was posted on al.com Wednesday morning, several posters said things similar to this:

"Just got a call from a person at my Church letting me know about this," said uafan1198. "My family will not be shopping at Ragland Piggly Wiggly stores anymore or anything else they own.... I don't shop at places that think it is OK to stand next to people who don't believe the Bible is all true."

The only tactic Bryne now has is to constantly speak about how the Bible is a 100% accurate historical text, which he was doing last week:

"I believe the Bible is true," Republican gubernatorial candidate Bradley Byrne said here Wednesday. "Every word of it."

It's a good start, but I think Bryne needs to get into specifics to win back the likes of "uafan1198." This means expressing his belief that the female gender was formed by a single man's rib, that a guy lived in a large fish for a few days and lived, and that two of every species of animal once lived on a single ark. If you want to be governor, candidate Bryne, you better make it clear you believe these stories actually happened. And if you think they are merely symbolic, then you are not fit for office.

Dinner At T.G.I. Jihad's

Americans need a man like Stephen Colbert to protect them from religious extremists. I say this because he can connect the dots:

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Failure to Connect the Dots
http://www.colbertnation.com/
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor Economy

Time For Church Desegregation

Have you ever noticed that churches are, and perhaps have always been, some of the most racially segregated places you can find?

In 1963, Martin Luther King Jr. famously declared that "11 o'clock Sunday morning is the most segregated hour of the week ... And the Sunday school is still the most segregated school." That largely remains true today. Despite the growing desegregation of most key American institutions, churches are still a glaring exception. Surveys from 2007 show that fewer than 8% of American congregations have a significant racial mix.

Since Reconstruction, when African Americans fled or were ejected from white churches, black and white Christianity have developed striking differences of style and substance. The argument can be made that people attend the church they are used to; many minorities have scant desire to attend a white church, seeing their faith as an important vessel of cultural identity. But those many who desire a transracial faith life have found themselves discouraged — subtly, often unintentionally, but remarkably consistently. In an age of mixed-race malls, mixed-race pop-music charts and, yes, a mixed-race President, the church divide seems increasingly peculiar. It is troubling, even scandalous, that our most intimate public gatherings — and those most safely beyond the law's reach — remain color-coded.

That seems shameful. If I believed in a loving God, I would think He would like to see some interracial worship. There is progress in this area, however, even if it's coming from the slightly evil Evangelical megachurches:

But in some churches, the racial divide is beginning to erode, and it is fading fastest in one of American religion's most conservative precincts: Evangelical Christianity. According to Michael Emerson, a specialist on race and faith at Rice University, the proportion of American churches with 20% or more minority participation has languished at about 7.5% for the past nine years. But among Evangelical churches with attendance of 1,000 people or more, the slice has more than quadrupled, from 6% in 1998 to 25% in 2007.

I hate to admit it, but I feel like atheism has a similar problem, where the stereotype is always of a white male. So let me take the opportunity to welcome people of all races and genders to join the ranks of non-believers, because no one ever said you have to be white to not believe in God.

Sam Harris Takes On Religious Apologists

Sam Harris is on the offensive against Karen Armstrong, who says religious extremism isn't all that big of a problem, as the New Atheists claim. Harris' defense:

I can't quite remember how we got it into our heads that jihad was linked to violence. (Might it have had something to do with the actual history and teachings of Islam?) And how could we have been so foolish as to connect the apparently inexhaustible supply of martyrs in the Muslim world to the Islamic doctrine of martyrdom? In my own defense, let me say that I do get spooked whenever Western Muslims advocate the murder of apostates (as 36 percent of Muslim young adults do in Britain). But I now know that these freedom-loving people just "want to see God reflected more clearly in public life."

I will call my friend Aaan Hirsi Ali at once and encourage her to come out of hiding: Come on out, dear. Karen says the coast is clear. As it turns out, those people who have been calling for your murder don't understand Islam any better than we do.

I suggest reading Harris' entire article; it's good stuff as always, and reminds me that he needs to write another book. (Armstrong's rebuttal can be found there too.)

Potato Crucifixes

My man Willie Geist has already found the first miraculous food items of the new year. They're in potatoes this time, and yes, they can be purchased on EBay.

The First Legitimate Cable Newscast Of The Year

It's a double dose of The Daily Show goodness. First up, Jon Stewart looks at the latest terrorist attempt, and wonders if 72 virgins is a good prize for a man who has blown his junk off. Also, he shows how partisanship has corrupted anti-terrorism policy.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Terror 2.0 by Yemen
http://www.thedailyshow.com/
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Health Care Crisis

Next, "The Best F***ing News Team Ever" holds a panel discussion on Tiger Woods' faith (and why Brit Hume is a moron):

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
The Best F**king News Team Ever - Tiger Woods' Faith
http://www.thedailyshow.com/
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Health Care Crisis

Tiger Woods Needs Jesus

At least that's what a Fox News personality thinks:

Fox News' Brit Hume gave Tiger Woods some personal advice Sunday morning, telling the scandal-plagued (and Buddhist) golfer to 'turn to Christianity' to make a full recovery.

On "Fox News Sunday," Hume — the former leader of Fox News' political reporting and host of "Special Report" who now serves as an analyst for the network — said that Woods' recovery "depends on his faith."

"The extent to which he can recover seems to me depends on his faith," Hume said. "He is said to be a Buddhist. I don't think that faith offers the kind of forgiveness and redemption that is offered by the Christian faith. My message to Tiger would, 'Tiger, turn to the Christian faith and you can make a total recovery and be a great example to the world."

That's right Tiger, go to Jesus. You're getting a little old for that pagan crap anyway, and it's not like you got anywhere with it. And just think about this: if you become a Christian, you can become as respected as Mark Sanford!

Why You Don't Want Santeria In Your Community

Imagine the smell:

Investigators recovered the remains of more than 500 animals after executing a search warrant Wednesday at a home in the Feltonville section of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, according to the city's chapter of the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals.

The group's director of law enforcement said he believes the animals -- the majority of which were chickens -- were sacrificed as part of a Santeria religious ritual.

The animals included "dozens of sheep, goats ... every type of farm animal you can think of," the Philadelphia SPCA's law enforcement director, George Bengal, said.

The SPCA believes two sets of remains are those of small primates, possibly monkeys.

Philadelphia SPCA enforcement officers were first called to the home over the weekend to tend to two emaciated dogs. The organization said that after obtaining a search warrant, its officers found the home littered with animal remains. The officers also found an AK-47, ammunition, dozens of knives and an altar with candles, the group said.

Notice this happened in a major urban area, not a farm.

Still Murderously Angry About A Cartoon

It's been almost five years since a series of Dutch political cartoons critical of Islam were published, but that hasn't been sufficient time to cool the temper of a 28-year-old with ties to al-Qaida. The man--who is yet to be named because of privacy laws--attempted to murder cartoonist Kurt Westergaard, who had drawn a picture of Muhammad with a bomb-shaped turban:

Westergaard, whose 5-year-old granddaughter was in the home on a sleepover, sought shelter in a specially made safe room when the suspect broke a window of the home, said Preben Nielsen of the Aarhus police.

Officers arrived two minutes later and tried to arrest the assailant, who wielded an ax at a police officer. The officer then shot the man in a knee and a hand, authorities said. Nielsen said despite his injuries the suspect's life was not in danger.

. . .

Westergaard could not be reached for comment. However, he told his employer, the Jyllands-Posten daily, that the assailant shouted "revenge" and "blood" as he tried to enter the bathroom where Westergaard and the child had sought shelter.

"My grandchild did fine," Westergaard said, according to the newspaper's Web edition. "It was scary. It was close. Really close. But we did it."

Let me state the obvious: Westergaard characterized Islam as a religion of violence, which angered the Muslim terrorist, who then went out to try and prove Westergaard right. Luckily the failed homicide failed, and even luckier, the terrorist got shot in the knee and hand. Satisfying!